Ever have a bad day? I mean a really bad day where you just look at yourself and wonder “what am I good at?”; question what good you do, what difference you make (that’s good and not bad), what you mean to others.
Does it then come down to “What am I doing with my life anyway”, and you’re either totally confused or not happy with the answer?
I didn’t have a great day today. No. It was pretty bad, and it was one of those really bad ones I just described.
Skipping some turns of events that came out of the blue today, I’m left wondering….
Have I ever really been good at anything?
I thought I was a good mom. I gave EVERYTHING to being a good mom. Oh, I wasn’t always the perfect mom, but my heart was sure in it.
And then there are those days when I just have to wonder if I did, or am doing, the right things or if maybe even I was a complete screw up.
But at least I always loved being a mom; God gave me the blessing of experiencing something very special, and I’ve always prayed for God to cover my kids with His grace if I didn’t give my kids everything I should have given them or handled a situation perfectly.
But was I good at it? Did I make a difference; did I make a good difference in the lives of my kids? Being a mom to my kids was my passion in life. Was this my best work?
On some days, I might say yes. On others, I would be pointing fingers at myself for the times they deserved more than what I was… or am.
And then there is work. You know, like career work, being a professional. Even just working somewhere, anywhere. I’ve never been good in that area.
I started out well. I thought I would be someone fancy someday, a big shot even perhaps. Well, you never know. And then I failed, And THEN I gave up.
Somehow I mustered up enough confidence to try once more in my older years, only to find out I was too old. Too much time had gone by. I wasn’t primed to do whatever there is to do these days either.
So I started writing. I began to write a blog. I never thought I was the greatest writer, but I enjoyed writing, and I really thought I could make up for a lesser writing skill perhaps with a real belief in what I wanted to do, a desire to help others with the research I was willing to put time into, and a heart help others with my written words.
Today… right now… I’m not sure I could make those words come out anymore. Quite frankly, I’m not sure my words were any good anyway, and I’m not convinced I was anything other than a wanna be, kind of like I wanted to be the perfect mom or that someone big and fancy someday.
What’s the hashtag that seems to fit right now. Oh yea… #fail
So as you can probably see, I’m kind of stuck right now.
I’m not sure I’ve ever done anything well, and quite frankly, I’m wondering if I’ve ever really done anything at all. If there WAS anything, was any of it even good?
There is a real need for all of us to do something in life, to know that what we’ve done has created something good for this world or for someone else in particular.
Some are happy with just some money earned. I was never good at that either, by the way. Remember? I wanted to be a mom first and foremost and gladly accepted the lower available funds and fewer treats in life in exchange for working towards that best-mom-in the-world status which I never obtained that status of.
But mostly, we all just want our lives to have been worthwhile – to know, really KNOW, we had something to offer, that what we had to offer was good, and that what we were made of meant something to someone, maybe for some, anyone at all.
What do you do when you don’t know if you even have anything good you can do?
What do you do?
You know, right now, the way I feel, I don’t really know what to tell you. I don’t know what to do.
But I do at least feel that gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit that says “Keep going, little one. Keep going. It’s not your job to figure out if what you do is producing what you think it should. It’s that you do your best with whatever it is you ARE doing. Then just let me take care of the harvest.”
So OK, I really have no idea what I’ve REALLY done with my life. I don’t know what I’m doing now… and I don’t have a clue what I’ll be doing tomorrow, but heck yea, I guess I can let God take my not- so-great “me” and figure out what good will come from that.
So I guess what I’m really best at… is being… me.
I sure hope you can do something with that, Lord, cause I haven’t had such a great track record on my own. But OK, I’ll keep trusting you’ll figure out what to do with me, Dear God. I’ll keep trusting.
So I guess I can’t give up then either… whatever it is I’m doing here. Well…. OK. I guess I could do THAT too.
God, you sure do have a funny way of doing things, but at least I know it is all for good.
Oh y-ea…. that’s right…. that’s it…. You make all, even MY all, for good. And I guess that includes whatever I’ve done along the way… or will do tomorrow. It’s all good.
So here’s how I see it. My best is just being “me”. It’s what I do best. And then the challenge after that is to be the best “me” I can be…
…and let God take what I do (good AND not so good) and….. trust Him. Trust him for making it all work together for good. (And He’ll do it too. He said He would.)
Thanks, God, I kind of needed that right now.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8: 28